Gay marriage is often used as a marker of how accepted LGBTQ people are in the US. As marriage rights are expanded state by state, as the media focuses more and more on queer couples being allowed to participate in the larger society much as straight couples have been able to all along, it’s easy to think that queer acceptance is on the rise. The issue of gay marriage is highly visible; it’s easy to count the states where it’s legal for (some) queer people to marry. The largest gay rights organizations trumpet each state which at last extends legal marriage for same-sex partners. It’s easy to point to gay marriage and say, “See, queer people are like us now, they can marry in many states.”
I understand, to a large degree, why the focus has been on gay marriage over the past decade or so. It’s shiny, it’s flashy, it’s sexy--and it is one of many important issues relevant to many queer people. When the state legally recognizes your partnership, you’re allowed to more fully participate in the greater society; you’re afforded more legal rights. It’s a certain kind of validation of your relationship, when the state allows you to create a legally binding contract with another person. And when you love that person, and when marriage is understood to be an expression of that love, it’s important to be able to marry.
The problem with gay marriage is that it’s not a marker for attitudes towards queer people among the general population. Whether a state allows for same-sex partnerships says nothing about whether queer people are at a greater risk for bullying, harassment, or other more subtle bigotries. Being able to marry someone with the same legal gender as myself will never be a protection from bigotry. Being able to marry someone with the same legal gender as myself doesn’t mean that I won’t ever be fired for being queer.
According to Wikipedia: “Twenty-one states, the District of Columbia, and over 140 cities and counties have enacted bans [on public sector employment discrimination based on sexual orientation] of one sort or another.” Keep in mind, too, that legal prohibition on discrimination isn’t a guarantee that employment discrimination doesn’t happen. As with gay marriage, it isn’t a preventative for other discriminations. The now infamous story about a bakery refusing to sell a cake to a same-sex couple occured in Oregon, which legalized gay marriage in 2014 and has prohibited employment discrimination on sexual orientation since 2008.
Queer people face discrimination in all aspects of their life. Some queer people are more susceptible to certain types of discrimination than others. Gay marriage is an issue that is of concern primarily to middle-aged, affluent, and white queer people. If you’re queer, poor, and not white, you face a completely different set of discriminations; and you’re probably more vulnerable to the consequences of these discriminations than someone who has more social privilege than you.
If you care about queer people, you need to support organizations which do more than push gay marriage. Queer kids often lack adequate access to basic mental health resources, yet are the most likely to need help. Queer kids often face housing discrimination, especially if they're openly queer, and especially if their parents are homophobic.
Legalizing gay marriage will not solve these problems. Legalizing gay marriage will not magically better the lives of queer kids living with bigoted parents; allowing gays to marry will not end the murder of trans women; being able to marry someone with the same legal gender as myself does not make it easier to accept that my actual gender isn’t even generally recognized, let alone legally recognized.
If you actually care about queer rights, find an organization with promotes more than itself and gay marriage. Find an organization which provides legal and mental health resources to queer people; find an organization which focuses on outreach. Find a local organization, one that will help queer people who have pressing and immediate problems, problems such as being evicted from their homes, being fired from their jobs, or being attacked in the streets. Don’t fall for the symbolic feel-goodness of gay marriage.
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