This essay aims to critically analyze an argument I was recently involved in with a member of the male gender, to better understand why arguments happen and whether or not arguing with someone can be healthy in building relationships with others. It’s important to reflect on all aspects of communication, but it’s especially important to reflect on arguments that you have with others, as arguments often come about as the result of a breakdown in communication. These breakdowns can occur for myriad reasons, not the least being that sometimes you and another person hold fundamentally incompatible views.
I recently got into an argument with a friend regarding the casting decision announcement in the forthcoming Fantastic Four movie. I’d read some comments online regarding fans of the Marvel comics crying foul about the decision to cast an African-American man to play the traditionally white Johnny Storm. These comments struck me as vaguely racist--the only issue seemed to be that the actor cast to play the part (Michael B. Jordan) was too dark to be related to the white woman who was cast to play the character’s sister, Sue Storm. Nevermind that, it being a fantasy movie, the race of any of the characters is irrelevant, or that Michael B. Jordan is respected for his work in other films and television shows. My friend agreed that the complaints were silly, but that he didn’t see how they were racist. He dismissed the online complaining as ‘typical fanboy complaining.’ The disagreement, fundamentally, is over whether or not these comments are truly racist, or whether the motivations of the complainers are racist.
I think the cause of the disagreement stems from the difference between my friend’s view of racism, and my own view of racism. My friend typically expects that racism is explicit and motivated by antagonism towards the individual on the receiving end of the racism. For instance, they would recognize that using a racial slur against an ethnic minority is racist, and they would be outraged. My views regarding racism, on the other hand, allow that sometimes racism is implicit and expresses itself in innocuous ways--such as, although no one questions that a Latina actress can play a blond-haired, blue-eyed character (Jessica Alba, an actress of Hispanic descent, played Sue Storm in a previous movie version of The Fantastic Four--while Alba doesn’t seem to identify as Latina, she certainly isn’t a natural blond), some people question that an African-American actor can play a “white” character.
I think, too, my friend doesn’t see the utility in being aware of implicit racisms like questioning whether or not an African-American actor is qualified to play a “white” character. I think, generally, they’re wary of any sort of analysis of pop culture, in that they don’t really see what the big deal is. I, on the other hand, think that implicit racism, because of it’s ability to fly under decent people’s radar, is as much of a problem as explicit racism. I also think it’s important to critically analyze pop culture, as pop culture is (at the very least) a reflection of the mores and most prevalent ideas of a society. If our society thinks it’s okay to wonder whether or not a white woman can be related to a black man, I find that rather troubling.
The topic was discussed at some length, each of us presenting our views on the matter in a civil way. As arguments go, I suppose it’s rather tame. However, we both thought that we were right, so there was conflict in our conversation. It wasn’t an antagonistic conflict, just a gentle disagreement between two people. No voices were raised in the having of this disagreement, even though it was still a heated conversation--I’m not shy about sharing my opinions, and my friends tend to share this characteristic. There hasn’t yet been an outcome, as it’s an ongoing conversation; for my part, I’m less interested in ‘winning’ the argument than I am in engaging in discussions like this. So long as my friends are willing to discussion things like racism, sexism, and heterosexim, I’m happy to not persuade them about a particular instance of what I perceive to be an -ism. I’m more interested in sharing ideas than I am in completely winning someone over in the course of one conversation. I certainly would like to be able to persuade someone to see my point of view in one conversation, but that isn’t something I ever expect to happen.
I suppose I would categorize this argument as an “agree to disagree” type argument, even though neither of us verbalized that we would agree to disagree about this topic. I’m very certain that the topic of racism will come up again in relation to pop culture, and I’ll definitely have an opinion about it when it comes up, and my friends will certainly respond to my opinion as they see fit. I don’t begrudge my friend his opinion regarding whether or not the reaction to Jordan’s casting as Johnny Storm is racist; I find his attitude frustrating, and while I think he’s excusing the reaction too easily, I don’t think he’s a bad person for having this opinion. I’m sure he finds discussing topics like these equally frustrating with me, and I doubt he thinks I’m a bad person for bringing them up when I feel the need to.
Whenever I think back on arguments like this one, I try to notice when I’ve misheard or misrepresented the person I’ve argued with. When having a real-time conversation with someone, it’s very easy to mishear someone, and even easier to misunderstand someone. When I’m discussing sensitive or political issues, such as racism in the media, I try to phrase my arguments carefully, but when you’re having a conversation with someone, it isn’t easy to pause to collect your thoughts. Real-time conversation requires you to respond with immediacy, and there are topics which don’t lend themselves well to immediate responses. I think my biggest regret relating to the argument I had with my friend is not asking him enough questions regarding his views on racism; I could have avoided making assumptions about his positions that made having the conversation more difficult.
I think it’s important, when finding yourself in an argument, to remember that it isn’t about winning the argument at that very moment. If you’re interested in persuading someone to your own viewpoint, as I’m sure many people are, I think it’s better to take the long view. This might mean accepting that you didn’t argue your points as well as you could have, and that the person you were arguing with wasn’t convinced that you were right. It’s also important to remember that, especially during heated arguments, you can easily say something that a calmer you wouldn’t have thought to say. Less-than-careful speaking in the heat of the moment can lead to careless words and hurt feelings, which leads to damage to the relationship overall. If you’re attempting to maintain a relationship with the person you’re arguing with, sometimes it’s better to stop the argument and continue the discussion when the two of you have calmed down.
Additionally, I feel that it’s important to keep in mind that, although perhaps you and someone else disagree about one specific thing, you probably are in agreement on a majority of topics. If you get too bogged down in thinking about how much the two of you disagree about a particular topic, you’ll lose a greater context in which the argument is taking place--in this case, it would have been easy to lose context of the friendship that this argument was happening in, and what I knew of his general philosophy about the issue, regardless of this specific instance of the topic. While I was arguing with my friend about whether or not the issue at hand was due to racism, I did have to keep reminding myself that they aren’t dismissive of bigotry, they just weren’t seeing the matter in the same light as I was.
And finally, it’s okay to argue with friends. Arguing can be constructive, so long as all parties involved realize that the argument isn’t personal; if the argument you’re having gets personal, the argument is no longer constructive, and has become destructive. Engaging in destructive arguments with your friends is certainly not a best practice for building and maintaining relationships.
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