Matt & Leah: A Case Study

Note: This essay was written in response to a case study presented in our textbook (GenderSpeak). The post contains discussion of physical abuse and domestic violence.

The case study we read for this project was challenging in that it’s such an emotional topic. As someone who has limited experience with domestic violence survivors, I know that it’s important to understand why and how abusive relationships develop, and the psychology underpinning the actions of both the abuser and the survivor. My first thought about why Leah stayed in the abusive relationship was that she stayed for so long because of financial or economic dependence upon her abuser. Financial dependence is a barrier to many survivors when they are trying to extricate themselves from an abusive relationship. Especially if the survivor can’t rely on family--in Leah’s case, the closest family were her in-laws, who were not a reliable source for Leah to turn to in her need--extricating themselves from the situation is complicated by the fact that they face homelessness and the shame that goes with being poor.

In addition to the more practical reasons that a survivor might stay so long with their abuser, emotional dependence is often a factor. There is a pattern in abusive relationships of the abuser isolating the victim from any kind of social support outside of the abusive relationship, so that often the only social contact a victim of abuse has is their abusive partner. The abuser seeks to control the life of their partner, through emotional manipulation and isolation from social circles that might help a victim in an abusive relationship. In Leah’s case, there aren’t mention of any friends she could have turned to for advice or help in getting herself (and her child) out of the situation; it isn’t unreasonable to think that her husband had, by that point in the relationship, isolated her from any friends she might have had before the marriage.

The role that Matt’s parents played in the continuation of the abuse against Leah, I feel, is an important factor to explain why Leah stayed with Matt so long. In a relationship in which you’ve been isolated from most other human beings except the person who is abusing you, it is terrifyingly easy for the victim to doubt their own reasoning. This is because of the emotional manipulation and abuse performed by the abuser. A physically abusive relationship often will involve emotional manipulation, with the abuser making the situation about themselves rather than what they’ve inflicted upon their partner. They might seek forgiveness from their victims--it’s more important than their emotions are validated than for them to recognize that they’ve hurt their partner. They might blame the victim--they would be a better partner, wouldn’t inflict physical abuse, if their partner were more considerate of them. In a situation like this, it’s very easy to see how a victim of abuse, who doesn’t necessarily have friends or acquaintances to talk to about their relationship. Without an external perspective to view the relationship from, a survivor isn’t necessarily going to recognize how they’re being manipulated.

What a person who is in an abusive relationship needs most of all is validation of their emotions--if they are concerned that there is something wrong or off in their relationship, they need someone from outside of the relationship to empathize with their feelings. The validation of someone’s emotions doesn’t necessarily mean that you think the person is correct in their emotions--it just means that you recognize that the emotions themselves are legitimate, and that the person has every right to question their relationship if they feel insecure or unsafe in any way. Chances are, if someone feels insecure or unsafe in a relationship, there is an underlying problem they need to address--either by initiating a conversation with their partner, or by extricating themselves completely from the situation. To tie this back to the reaction of Matt’s parent’s to Leah’s concerns regarding how her husband was abusing her: Matt’s parents were absolutely enabling the abusive relationship, by invalidating Leah’s emotions and concerns regarding the relationship and Matt’s behavior. By disregarding Leah’s concerns completely, they allowed Leah to stay in a dangerous situation. Even if they couldn’t believe that their son was really a wife-beater, they absolutely had a moral obligation to ensure that Leah felt safe. Even if Leah had been reaching out to a friend, rather than family, there would exist a moral obligation on the part of the friend to ensure that Leah felt safe.

If I were a hypothetical friend who Leah reached out to, even if I was absolutely sure that Matt wouldn’t actually physically hurt Leah, I would listen to Leah’s concerns; make sure that she knew that if she needed to physically remove herself (and her child) from the situation, I would help her find a safe space; I would encourage her to speak with a trained domestic violence counselor (there are a number of excellent non-profits which provide free, over-the-phone counseling for people who are in abusive relationships). If someone feels unsafe in a situation, I feel that it is my obligation to help them find a safe space in order that they can make the best decision regarding what to do about their situation. It isn’t a matter of me determining whether or not they’re right or wrong about the situation; if they express to me that they aren’t comfortable or don’t feel safe in the situation they’re in, it’s vital that they know that I believe them when they say they aren’t safe. While I would certainly encourage them to get out of a situation they feel uncomfortable in, it’s also important that they make the decision for themselves. I can’t make that decision for them, because it parallels what an abuser does--takes choice and decision-making out of the hands of their victim--and someone who is in an abusive relationship doesn’t need yet another person telling them what to do.

Non-judgment of the survivor is also key--this means not second-guessing or indicating to the victim in any way that they might not be right in their perceptions of the situation. Non-judgement isn’t about whether or not the survivor is right or wrong for any actions they do or don’t take; it’s about empowering the survivor to make changes in their life which are best for them. Sometimes, the decisions a person in an abusive relationship make aren’t decisions you think are correct, but your judgment of their decisions is irrelevant.

Not to ignore the other party involved in the abusive relationship, but if Matt were to indicate that he was concerned about his behavior in the relationship to me in any way, I would recommend therapy or counseling of some kind. As with giving advice to the survivor, the abuser has to make the decision to get themselves out of the situation. While I would certainly find it incredibly hard to fully empathize with someone who’s been the abuser in the abusive relationship equation, if the person were to genuinely seem remorseful (though that might be hard to determine) I would want them to get the help they need. There is often much righteous anger directed at abusers, and while it is understandable to feel anger towards someone who has hurt another person (possibly someone we care about), it has to be understood that abusers often exist in structures and systems which might not allow them to communicate except through violence. Men, specifically, are socialized to internalize and repress much of their emotional life, because to be masculine is to be stoic, emotionless, and able to handle all of the stress thrown at them. This isn’t healthy, and all too often men find themselves in a situation where they “snap” and lash out at someone they care about. That isn’t to say that all abusers are emotionally repressed by hyper-masculine enculturation, but the first response to someone who is indicating that they regret their actions should be empathy, even if the first emotion we feel towards that person is anger. The key idea, to be absolutely clear, is that the abuser has expressed regret or remorse or any other indication that they know that they’ve done wrong. An abuser who doesn’t own their actions isn’t an abuser who will respond to empathy, and will be unlikely to respond to suggestions of therapy or counseling.

Sources: Ivy, Diana K. GenderSpeak: Personal Effectiveness in Gender Communication (5th Edition). Boston: Pearson, 2012. Print.