Conflict and Gender Communication in Romantic Relationships

Conflict, in my experience, arises as a combination of conflicting needs, desires, or wants and poor communication between partners. Even if the partners aren’t experiencing a conflict of needs, if they aren’t communicating with their partner, this will lead to conflict. Poorly communicating to your partner can be just as bad, too--if you aren’t speaking up for yourself, if you aren’t being honest with your partner, or if you aren’t willing to listen to your partner, all of these can lead to conflict within a relationship.

The demand-withdraw pattern seems to me to arise from one or both partners being unwilling or unable to view their relationship as a sum of the parts, rather as being as they want it to be. A relationship isn’t just what one partner wants it to be, it’s got to be a mutual thing, where both partners are defining the parameters of the relationship. In a demand-withdraw pattern, it seems more like one partner is imposing their own desires on the relationship, and doesn’t seem to care about the other partner; this might be for a variety of reasons--maybe their partner has a history of ignoring their desires, maybe their partner doesn’t assert any desires and so they feel the need to fill a vacuum, or maybe they demand things because they haven’t matured to the point where they feel comfortable accommodating the other person. The partner who tends to withdraw might do so for a variety of reasons, as well--perhaps they feel hounded, perhaps they don’t know how to express their own desires, perhaps they aren’t willing to risk the relationship over what they view as a single instance of disagreement.

I think the best way to avoid the demand-withdraw pattern in a relationship is to not avoid conflict, as hard as that can be, and to confront differences in wants, needs, and desires directly. Being honest with your partner about how comfortable you are with certain activities, having boundaries regarding “couple time” and “me time”, and genuinely wanting to be in a relationship with the other person--not to view them as a necessity, or a chore, but genuinely want to build a life with that person (maybe for the rest of your life, or maybe just for six months)--seem like the best ways to avoid demand-withdraw.

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My response to another student (it's short so I'm not going to put it in a separate post):
I think you're spot on when you say "Neither of the parties really have to take any responsibility for issues they share [in the demand-withdraw pattern]." The demander gets to put the onus of responsibility for a problem on the other party, and the withdrawer gets to shirk all responsibility by avoiding dealing with the conflict. The problem, meanwhile, is still present in the relationship; ignoring or making someone else deal with the problem isn't going to make it go away. It's also easy, after a while, for the withdrawer to frame their partner as a 'nag' or simply over-sensitive, rather than admit that they have a part to play in maintain the relationship. The demander can frame their partner as indifferent or insensitive to their needs, which will likely only fuel their flaw-finding.

I agree that conflict is often synonymous with fighting, while there are definitely differences between them. I think it's reasonable to expect conflict in a relationship, and I think it's natural to fear fighting with someone you care about. Having an argument with someone you care about is difficult. You don't want to be angry with someone you have deep feelings for. I don't think it's as easy as "not fearing" conflict, but being able to push through the fear, if that makes any sense.