"How to Win an Argument", Pt 2

Note: For this post, I'm posting the content of the person I'm responding to, as it is important context to have when reading my response. As per usual, all names have been redacted.

Student:

In my opinion, the best tactic is the first one because once a man acknowledges his girlfriend, she will be calm down and tend to not say anything. The more you complain, the more girlfriend complains. Actually, girls complain more than boys, so that men should give up as soon as possible. And also, men should say "I understand you and love you". I think that strategy is the best for keeping relationship. For me, I do not like having a problem and continuing conflict because I am lazy. I will forget conflicts after I walk three steps. However, some girls continue conflicts for long time. That is why I give up conflicts as soon as possible. For the strategy #2, I do not think it is good idea because the talking will be long time. Because I am lazy, I do not listen for long time. I like #3 too because once I acknowledge I am wrong, girls can notice the boyfriend could understand. This strategy relates to #1. To avoid continuing the conflicts, boys should give up as soon as possible. I think only #1 and #3 is the best tactic to win because to compromise first is winning. If men complain a lot, it is not cool and they are childish. Men should be quiet and compromise as soon as possible. So, I think using two tactics, we can build good relationship and friendship. For the other tactics, you probably make girls angry, so I do not think they work.

Your opinion is certainly interesting, [Student]. I definitely don’t agree that one partner should ever “give up” when trying to communicate with the other partner. I also find your use of the word “complain” curious, given that we were exploring conflict and arguing with members of other sexes. I think if you view your partner as just “complaining” about something, you’re building a barrier in your communication with them. The word “complain”, to me at least, implies that you don’t consider your partner’s experience as important as they seem to. Complaints, outside of the realm of customer service, are typically treated with less respect than just plain opinions. If someone is a “complainer”, they’re viewed as someone who’s never happy, who isn’t easy to please, someone who’s opinions can be discounted because all they’re doing is “just complaining.”

I think giving up on conflicts, instead of trying to understand why you and the other person have the conflict, is a bad strategy if you’re interested in building strong relationships. The biggest part of any relationship, be it friendship or romance or being coworkers, is empathy--empathy requires that you make the attempt to understand the other person in the relationship. Without empathy, a friendship is hollow, and a romance is doomed. Relationships are complicated, even when they’re just two people. Conflicts don’t have to be negative--I’ve had near-shouting matches with one of my closest friends, and our friendship is one of the strongest I have. Refusing to engage in an argument with someone you’re in a relationship with isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about ignoring the perspective of the person you’re in the relationship with.